


Hitomi no Screen (Eyes' screen)

by vogue91



Category: Japanese Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, M/M, POV Second Person, Rinne no Ame Set
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 00:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14124633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: You hold on to the knife, Koji, and you wish it was real, and you wish you could stab him in the heart, because it’s what he’s done to you.





	Hitomi no Screen (Eyes' screen)

You’re thinking about it, aren’t you Koji?

You’re thinking about it while the director and the assistants wait for the both of you to finish shooting the scene, you think about it while you feel the lukewarm water becoming colder on your skin, making your clothes stick on it, you think about while Kanjiya Shihori stares at the two of you, a few feet away, just like the script call for.

You think about it while Yusuke fixates those cold eyes on you, so good at acting that he’s always scared you a little bit.

You hold tight the knife in your fingers, you test the veining of the wood with your fingertips, and you think you’d actually like to do it.

You know that when you’re going to strike the blade is going to retract into the handle, and you find yourself hoping that they have given you a real knife by mistake, that it’s not just an act, that you truly have a chance to dig that blade in his body and finally turn off those eyes, once and for all.

You pretend to cry, or perhaps you’re actually crying.

You cry and you hold on to that knife, and you think about a few day ago, at how different from now you felt, at how your feelings for the man standing in front of you were the complete opposite.

You think about that day, when it was actually raining, your think about the nightmare you’ve found inside the walls of the home the two of you share, you think about Yusuke lying on _your_ couch, in _your_ living room, letting himself be fucked like a common whore.

And you see once again Shunsuke’s surprised look, vaguely guilty, but you have no use for his guilt.

You hear the voice of the man you loved, that you still love, in your ears telling you it’s all been a mistake, telling you it’s been just that one time and that it was never going to happen again.

Excuses, on excuses, on excuses, and you believe nothing anymore.

Because Yusuke’s a good actor, isn’t he?

He’s good at letting you believe even what you don’t want to, he’s been good during the months spent pretending, telling you he loved you, he’s been good wearing his most convincing look when he told you he was at Aichi to visit his family, and you can’t help but think about all he’s said these past months and seeing it all as a continuous lie.

You keep being obsessed by the images of the two of them together, of Yusuke moaning a name that is not yours and Shunsuke who doesn’t even dare looking you in the eyes.

You see yourself screaming and tell them to leave, you see Yamamoto getting out of the door and you almost back off, but you know you can’t, that this time he’s hurt you too deeply, that there are no apologies or declarations of love that would work.

And after all, he hasn’t even tried that hard.

He’s called, a couple of times.

He’s come back home to take some of his stuff he needed, and you’ve ignored each other, as if there had never been something between you, as if there was nothing to say.

And now he’s there, in front of you, with those cold eyes that don’t just belong to the character he’s playing.

What does he want you to say? What does he want from you when he’s the one in the wrong, when you’re who should ignore him and learn not to give a damn.

You hold on to the knife, Koji, and you wish it was real, and you wish you could stab him in the heart, because it’s what he’s done to you.

Killing him, spilling his blood and then stay there and watch him die, convinced you’ve done the right thing.

But you can’t, because the knife’s not real and this isn’t reality, and perhaps with Yusuke never is ever been real.

You sink the blow, feel the plastic blade bending in his flesh and you close your eyes, you clench them, and you cry for real because you’ve hoped till the end.

When the director says it’s okay you stand up quick and bow, anxious to run from the set, anxious to be alone and finally managing to cry in peace, without having other people’s eye son you, without being forced to look Yusuke in the eyes and think about what he’s done to you.

You go inside the dressing room and hear his steps, so familiar, behind your back.

“Otsukaresama deshita.” he murmurs, looking at you once again, as if after all hurting you amuses him.

“Otsukaresama.” you reply, your eyes low, you don’t want him to see your tears, you don’t want him to ever look at you again, because those eyes on you are a weight you don’t want to bear.

“Let’s try and keep our problems away from work, okay Koji?”

You bite your lip, and again you wish you have a real knife in your hands to erase that cold look from his face.

But there’s no knife and there’s not enough dignity left to throw away to push you to do something like that.

You nod, and once again you see him turning his back on you and leaving, with a confident stride you don’t have, with a coldness on him you’ve never managed to imitate, and that right now would be the only thing that could make you feel better.

You close the door and lean your forehead against it, breathing deeply, crying, scratching the wood surface as if looking for something to hold on to so that you won’t fall. And you can’t find it and slip on the cold floor, still with the feeling of your wet clothes on.

You stare at your hands and almost feel disgusted by yourself for what you want to do, when it’s not even worth it, when Yusuke would barely realize why he’s dying, before staring at you with that careless face of his that you liked so much before, that you now hate more than anything in the world.

You close your eyes, once again.

And once again you see them, you still see Shunsuke on Yusuke’s body, you still see the eyes of the man you loved, and still love, lacking any involvement, and you convince yourself that it’s not actually his fault.

He can’t love, nor feel anything at all.

It’s not his fault nor yours, Koji.

Hurting him won’t help filling that void you feel in the middle of your chest, because dying wouldn’t make him feel anything either.

You still wish you had that knife, and you wish  you had a sharp one.

If he’s not the one who has to die, you wish you could be the one to close his eyes forever.


End file.
